Visions of China: Wedding Impressions

Rose early for the big fat Chinese wedding. The plan was for the boys to be on the road to the bride’s house by 9, but some things are cross cultural: when the bride’s hair and make-up isn’t ready, everyone waits.

The cars for the groom’s party arrived and we piled in, briefed for our roles but still not prepared for all that comes with a wedding. We knewthat we’d be trailed by a camera crew, but didn’t realise they’d be driving alongside the entourage, hanging out of windows and sun roof, filming as we weaved through the traffic.

Arriving at the bride’s house, no one told us we’d be greeted by the whole neighbourhood, a crew of drummers, and a figure with a creepy doll head. We were drumed from the cars to the stairs, where we headed up the 5 flights to the bride’s mother’s house.

It was quite cramped, 8 or 9 guys, camera crew, and a few randoms along for the ride, as G bribed his way through the first gate. The brief was that the groom would have to perform several challeges to prove his love, but there was no room for one handed pushups, and with everyone yelling “let us in” we couldn’t hear much above the din. More red packets of RMB got us through the next gate, and there was still one more door.

At this door G was challenged to perform a freestyle rap to declare his love, and did a brilliant job. More red packets went through the door and eventually the groom was let in to the bride’s chamber.

I’m not really capturing the whole event here, the cramped corridors, filled with sweaty westerners in suits. The din of the drums, the calling out in both Chinese and English, the theatrically earnest banging and shoving on doors and gates. It was theatre, truly, a group performance. (As I type this in a coffee lounge at the airport they have a Beyonce concert on the big screen, she’s wearing a wedding frock and the whole thing comes across as a different type of theatrical, a fake over-rehearsed performance, devoid of real feeling. Despite the elements of theatre with G and L2’s wedding, and some were quite OTT, there was real feeling in the participants. I can’t necessarily say the same about this Beyonce performance.)

Once through the challenges, there was the proposal, a quest to find the bride’s special shoes (more bribing of bridesmaids accomplished this), and a tea ceremony with L2’s mother. I think every wedding provides stress and challenges, but I’m glad that I only had to speak my native English at mine, not swapping between English and Mandarin like G was.

(Cut to a shot of Beyonce on the big screen with the word ‘selflessness’, umm, not believing that for a second.)

From the bride’s house we headed back to the hotel, with more drumming, a final flurry of red packets (I had a handful left, and was mugged by a gang of local kids who made these disappear.) The camera crew were filming all this, too, hanging out of cars. At the hotel there was a tea ceremony with G’s mum, and that effectively concluded the main morning script. We had about an hour to relax befre an “informal” lunch, not realising again that this meant all the bridal party and 2-3 tables of L2’s family. Lots of good food, so many dishes.

We had the afternoon to relax (read: nap and digest) before preparing for the big celebration. The plan had been for the groom’s party to greet, but there were too many of us so we were given a break. The big screen backdrop was a mix of tacky and touching, the pre-wedding pics taken of G and L2 in various costumes and poses, plus some photoshopping (sudden blue eyes) and some random background locations, all pulled together with transition effects that would qualify as death by powerpoint in any other situation.

The MC kicked things off, there was a wedding song, and the bride’s grand entrance through big shiny doors. This was strangely touching and effective. There were speeches by L2 and G, L2’s had everyone in tears, bride included, while G did an admirable job delivering his in Mandarin (his joke even got a few laughs). I guess that was what surprised me, that real emotion could shine through the otherwise slightly tacky spectacle, that there was enough real humanity to shine through the shiny.

Then came food, food and more food. Fish many ways, pork many more ways, spicy frog, rich turtle, abalone, ribs, durian custard stuffed desserts. More food than could possibly be consumed (I saw several folks filling up doggy bags of leftovers).

I was surprised at how quickly the room emptied, with the house crew packing down around the guests.

Now comes the shameful admission, what follows is quite abhorrent, and those with gentle dispositions should skip this part. Trigger warning: involves karaoke.

The bridal party then kicked on to a karaoke bar, one of those places where groups hire rooms, have a couple of quiet drinks, and respectfully sing to each other. Suffice to say that once the staff started bringing in baskets full of beer, vodka mixers, and a whole bottle of smirnoff green apple flavour, our room was not like this. L and G hammered “Sweet Child o’ Mine”, and I believe that at various times I tortured Lady Gaga and maybe David Bowie. I also recall beatboxing while G rapped to something. There was a drinking game involving dice, and umm, thank gawd we’d ditched the camera crew by this point.

I recall the finish was wandering merrily through a late night collection of bbq stalls, eating freshly cooked fried rice and things on sticks.